Jay Elias | You can take it with you

"I have wasted Time, and now doth
Time waste me"
- Richard II

2002-01-11- 7:24 p.m.

The Story of Joe and Louis

”I’m a pretty terrible person… No, I really really am. I don’t think I deserve being loved.”
“There, see? We already have a lot in common.”
When I was younger, I never thought I would ever be in love. I thought perhaps I could fall for someone, in fact, I knew I could. I knew I was capable of that silly sort of unrequited love that all of us are prone to at one time or another. But I never thought that I would have anyone who was in love with me, at least not at the same time I was in love with them.
I don’t know why. When I was young, I didn’t think I was a bad person or ugly or stupid or evil in some fashion that would render me totally unlovable. I just looked at the situation, calculated the odds both ways, and put down my chips on the pass line. It just seemed natural to me that I would never end up being in love.
I don’t think a lot of people are like that. Most people figure that sooner or later, they will be in love. Most people believe there is someone out there who is right for them. Hell, they don’t just believe in someone who is right for them, they believe in someone who is made for them. They believe in things like love at first sight, in soulmates, in kismet. Now if I know anything, which I’m not sure I do, that is bullshit, but what never fails to shock me is that even with all that, so many people believe they don’t deserve to be the object of someone’s affection.
I’m a bit of a neo-Hegelian I suppose. I don’t think people are essentially good. Left to our own devices, we are pretty selfish and cruel. But I’m not a person who believes that we’re all that bad either. Most of us at least would like to be somewhat decent. Most of us don’t do things that are too irredeemably bad. But so many people feel like they don’t deserve love, and it shocks me a little.
Hey, kettle, don’t get so offended. I’m black too. I’ve felt that way before, but that doesn’t make me any less shocked. After all, Hitler of all people died with his lover. Did he deserve to have someone? And if he gets to have someone, what on earth could I have done that means that you or I shouldn’t?
Look, if you told me that you’ve lived however long that you have, and that you have no regrets, I’d know you were a liar. And I’m sure that everyone who I’m talking about has done bad things. I’ve done far more than my share, too. Perhaps I am even a bad person. I don’t know. I’ve studied philosophy and religion and ethics, and I’m not able to decide. But mistakes and regrets aren’t something that deserves a sentence. It is true as the cliché; we err, for we are human. Often, it is worse than that. Often, we know what the right thing to do is, and we choose not to do it.
We’re just not as bad of people for doing so as we think we are.
Like everything else I was certain of when I was in high school, my conviction that I would never be in love turned out to be wrong. And I’m sure that someday in the future, I’ll look back at this journal and this entry and feel quite the fool.
But for today, y’all are lovable. And if I know anything at all about dating, just believing that you are will go a long way towards making it so. Of course, I’m not loved, so the possibility exists that I don’t know anything at all about dating. Damn, I was all pleased about my point until I got to it.

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If you want to make me
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Older

Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15
Like Water Under Bridges - 2003-09-08
Jesus On The Dashboard - 2003-08-13
An Administrative Announcement - 2003-08-11
Don't Worry, It's Coming - 2003-08-02

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