|
|
||
|
Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15 |
|
Jay Elias | You can take it with you
"I have wasted Time, and now doth
Time waste me"
- Richard II
2002-02-03- 3:02 p.m.
Ain't No Dark Till Something Shines
It is tough to make it up all the stairs to my apartment. When I left you tonight, my legs were rubbery and my whole head was buzzing. I can still smell you on my shoulder; still feel you on my body. You linger over me. I wonder if this is what heroin feels like. I feel as though I’ve laid myself down on a beach of warm sand and the water is cold and lapping up higher and higher over my body with each incoming wave. Every cell in my body clamors out to surrender and collapse on the third floor landing. But I soldier on and marshal myself up the last two flights and into my bathroom. There’s a sort of profound irony that I feel so at home in your apartment after such a short time, and yet I still haven’t found the courage yet to use your bathroom. Honestly, every night after I see you, I burst through the door and to the toilet every time.
Beginnings used to be the times where I was at my best, but now they’re the worst for me. I can’t adapt to new people with any manner of grace. I stumble drunkenly through the first few conversations. Half the time, I remember to be humble and a good listener; the other half, I’m running off at the mouth like a bathroom sink in desperate need of a new washer. I look at the sink as I drip into it, hoping that the hard water stains I’m leaving don’t lead you to chuck the whole thing. Even if a new vanity would look awful nice in there.
Handling uncertainty has never been my strong suit. The starts of things are always fraught with them. The easy excuse is that you never really know what it is another person feels, but the truth is that I’m as unable to make heads or tails of my own emotions as I am about yours. It isn’t the first time in my life, and for that matter it isn’t the thousandth, but once again I ask myself why I can’t seem to just lie back and enjoy myself.
And then, maybe for the first time in a long long time, you remind me why it is I like sex in the first place. I lose myself in it, in you and I’m able to feel shiny and new again. Of all things, I feel innocent when I’m inside of you. All my stress and remorse and doubt fades away; in that moment, I’m not adverse to not knowing.
I lose myself; I become a child lost in a shopping mall, and when I look up and see your face, it takes me a moment to realize where I am and who you are, and I can’t remember the last time I felt closer to home.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 - EoZ
Productions
All Rights Reserved
If you want to make me
famous or just complain: Jay Elias -
jelias@diaryland.com
Older
Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15
Like Water Under Bridges - 2003-09-08
Jesus On The Dashboard - 2003-08-13
An Administrative Announcement - 2003-08-11
Don't Worry, It's Coming - 2003-08-02
Diaryland
join my Notify List and get email when I update
my
site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com
Email
