Jay Elias | You can take it with you

"I have wasted Time, and now doth
Time waste me"
- Richard II

2001-12-24- 3:28 a.m.

Welcome To The Amazing Race To 2002

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may start your engines.
It is now seven days until New Year’s Eve. For those of you out there without a special someone, you already know what this means: the race begins to locate a midnight kiss.
Everyone please keep in mind that this is an item of utmost importance. I know that until now, we’ve been keeping our focus on shopping for gifts and all. Even if we have started our worrying about how we plan to ring in the new year, we’ve all probably focused on where we will be going to enjoy the festivities, or trying to hoard the champagne before it gets that 200% markup in the week before the eve. But it’s time to push aside the dilly and the dally kids, because it is now crunch time. Fourth quarter, people. And we’re out of timeouts.
C’mon, everyone, don’t you know by now what a big deal this is? In a week, someone is going to start counting down. T-minus ten people. And you’ll be standing there with a drink in your hand and you won’t know what in the frilly heck to do. So get with the program already.
Oh, I get it. You want to be stuck standing by yourself when that good old ball does its droppy thing. You don’t mind being stuck in the midst of a sea of happy couples making face time with each other as you enter 2002. You must just be too secure to allow it all to get to you.
Well, drop the act kiddoes, ‘cause none of us here are buying it. You know how big this moment is. You know that this is the time, this is the very minute in which your self-esteem for the year will be determined. Only big, ugly loser-types with Cheetoe breath don’t get kissed at midnight. And you just know that all the happy suck-face people will be looking right at you when they’re done exploring each other’s gullets. Can you handle that? Can you take being the recipient of those glances?
Can’t you just hear them whispering now? “C’mon honey, just give him a little peck. It’s New Year’s!”
It is time to put your nose to the grindstone folks. You have a week, so get cracking. Call an old flame. Head out to your local tavern. Put out a freakin’ personals ad. And don’t settle for some friend, who will just give you a nice little knock on the cheek. It’s brass ring time, and you know it. Ring in the new year in the traditional way, in the manner befitting a holiday of such importance.
With your tongue down the throat of whoever you can find in the next week.
Come on, you know you wanna.

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If you want to make me
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Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15
Like Water Under Bridges - 2003-09-08
Jesus On The Dashboard - 2003-08-13
An Administrative Announcement - 2003-08-11
Don't Worry, It's Coming - 2003-08-02

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