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Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15 |
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Jay Elias | You can take it with you
"I have wasted Time, and now doth
Time waste me"
- Richard II
2002-12-23- 7:43 a.m.
Giving Up Is Hard To Do
I really have no idea how exactly it came to this. I suppose it is mostly due to a lot of wildly off-base assumptions on my part: that I was happier than I thought I was, that Rachel cared a lot more about being with me than she does, that the both of us were each a lot less messed up that we both clearly are. When it comes to knowing quite what it is that I have gotten myself into, I suppose I have never failed to fail.
Sometime around midnight tonight, after five hours of fighting and discussion, Rachel said to me that she hates every single bit of the compromising that takes place in order for our relationship to exist, and that she constantly has to tell herself that the relationship is worth it. And I bit my tongue, and reined in my temper, and didn’t say what was on my mind for neither the first nor the last time tonight. Because what I was thinking would have capsized the ship we’re on; there is no way to ask someone if they are a child nicely. It seems terrible for me to consider someone else’s thoughts and actions childish; no one as chronically impulse-driven as I should be allowed to pass such judgment on anyone. But Rachel is twenty-five years old; I simply would never have believed before today that a person could reach that age without not only getting used to rarely getting their own way, but beyond that realizing that a relationship is nothing but compromises.
I’ve just had it, you see. I don’t much like the game anymore, and I definitely don’t like the players, least of all this sad sack version of myself that I have become. Somewhere along the line, the concept of love got all mixed up with self-esteem and wanting to not be lonely and wanting to have something, anything at all, in my life to look forward to. And somewhere along the line, the idea that I would walk out on anything just got lost. And so I end up at this point, where I’m laboring to try and save a relationship about to capsize, when the whole reason it has come to this point is because I’m asking Rachel for something she considers perfectly reasonable, and because she resents the heck out of the idea that she has to change.
I wish I could explain to her that it isn’t just me, that this is something she’s going to have to deal with someday. But I don’t really wish that at all; just writing that sentence was enough to prove it to me. I’m so tired of it all right now. For four hours while she slept, I had to restrain myself from bolting upright in bed and screaming at her to get the fuck out of my apartment. At this point I can see all the work, all the aggravation, of trying to get through this with her. And I don’t really want any fucking part of it. I don’t want my love life to be tied in to anyone’s personal growth.
I don’t want to care about holding it all together anymore. I don’t want to have to hold close the reasons to get up in the morning. I don’t want to keep a barrier between me and despair. I don’t want to care anymore about getting old and dying alone. Just keep me going until the dying part, Lord, and I’ll do what I can about the rest. But I’m thinking that this sister-flower is beyond my forgiveness. If that was ever worth anything at all.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 - EoZ
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Older
Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15
Like Water Under Bridges - 2003-09-08
Jesus On The Dashboard - 2003-08-13
An Administrative Announcement - 2003-08-11
Don't Worry, It's Coming - 2003-08-02
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