Jay Elias | You can take it with you

"I have wasted Time, and now doth
Time waste me"
- Richard II

2002-01-18- 8:03 p.m.

Before High School: When Ned Became A Man

About halfway through seventh grade the Jewish kids began to have bar and bat mitzvahs. These were a big deal to me for several reasons. First of all, I was a lot younger than most of the other kids in my grade. Kids get bar mitzvahed at thirteen, and I was only twelve. So the kids who were getting bar mitzvahed in the spring of seventh grade were almost a full year older than me. And believe me, every kid who knew me wanted to know when my bar mitzvah was going to be. Because the second reason why bar mitzvahs were a big deal were the parties. First of all, they were a lot of fun. We got to dress up and go to a party without our parents (which was still a big deal when I was twelve. I know that now twelve year olds go off to orgies without their parents even asking for a phone number, but back then things were different), where there was booze and a band or a DJ and generally it was a great time. And on top of that, there was one additional factor. You had to be specifically invited. Each kid being bar mitzvahed got to pick between twenty and forty kids to invite. Friendships were made and ruined this way. People you didn’t think liked you would invite you and the two of you would become buddies. Someone who you thought liked you might leave you off their list and you’d be devastated. It was all a very big deal.
Around this time I first started going out with Robin. Back in the seventh grade I only dated blondes. Catholic blondes. I had issues then too. Robin and I had only been together a few weeks when Ned, this friend of ours, had his bar mitzvah.
You see, when you’re in junior high, private time is very precious. It is, to put it mildly, very difficult to get time alone to do much of anything. So the result is that every second of private time counts. You get to go alone to a movie? Don’t plan on watching it. There’s a school dance? Find yourself a dark corner. And a bar mitzvah where no one will be supervising you and your parents don’t expect you home for hours?
Well, you get the idea.
And so Robin and I learned the valuable lesson that even the irrepressible desires of youth need to be tempered by a bit of shame. At Ned’s bar mitzvah, we engaged in a passionate lip lock on the middle of the dance floor. Everyone noticed. Every kid we went to school with who had been invited. Every relative of Ned’s that his parents invited. And for that matter, Ned’s parents noticed. His family was made sufficiently uncomfortable that Ned came up to the two of us after the song and asked us to cut it out.
Robin and I only lasted a couple of weeks after that. We decided it would be best if I took responsibility for what happened, but I don’t really think that helped tone down the sort of crap that she had to take from her friends. Humiliation is the cardinal sin among teenagers. You can get away with a lot of crap at that age, but to make a fool out of yourself is to risk every friendship you have. At thirteen, kids have the exact opposite of a healthy outlook on life.
It is as if all the wisdom of all the ages gets boiled down into one nugget: whatever you do, don’t let anyone see you trip.

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Doesn't Take Much and That's Messed Up - 2004-03-15
Like Water Under Bridges - 2003-09-08
Jesus On The Dashboard - 2003-08-13
An Administrative Announcement - 2003-08-11
Don't Worry, It's Coming - 2003-08-02

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